Ask Moire

Dearest Phil,

While I appreciate your efforts through the years it appears you have, once again, let us down. Spring has yet to come and snow is in the forecast.

It is with regret that I, on behalf of the citizens of our grand country, ask you to step aside from your duties.  It is time that you let a more intellectual, stealthy, and agile creature take the reigns of this most important post.  While I understand that you may feel misunderstood, or even treated unfairly, I assure you we will treat you well in retirement.  There are several sprawling farms where you could make your home in a pleasant and quiet rural setting.  They have nice soft dirt for you to burrow into, ponds in which you might take a dip, and lastly, very large friendly dogs which I’m sure would love to play with you.

If you would be so kind, Phil, please take up my offer?  Just drop me a line and let me know when you’ll be resigning.  Again, it saddens my heart that it has come to this, but I believe that this is best for all the citizens of the world; the soft and cuddly, the slithering and wet, to the ones that walk upright.

I hope this letter finds you in sound mind.